Loving Someone with Anxiety Read online

  “For the person whose loved one has anxiety, or for the person with anxiety himself or herself, Kate N. Thieda’s book is practical and solution-oriented. Especially reassuring is that the author blames no one, nor does she claim to teach the reader how to ‘fix’ anyone. She offers both understanding of the anxious behavior and tools to change one’s response to it.”

  —Kristi Webb, PsyD, licensed psychologist, DBT therapist, and a specialist in depression, anxiety, and trauma “As an anxiety disorder specialist, I frequently see my clients’ loved ones at their wits’ end—not knowing what to do, how to help, or how to cope. If your loved one suffers from anxiety, I strongly encourage you to read this book.”

  —Julie Pike, PhD,licensed psychologist and expert in the treatment of anxiety disorders “This is a very easy-to-read book that provides a clear understanding of the ways that anxiety affects relationships. As Kate N. Thieda points out, good communication is critical in any successful relationship—and especially one that is hampered by anxiety. This book presents readers with important information on how to use effective communication strategies and other techniques for improving relationships impacted by these problems.”

  —Jonathan S. Abramowitz, PhD, ABPP, professor and associate chair of psychology at the University of North Carolina (UNC) at Chapel Hill, director of the UNC Anxiety and Stress Disorders Clinic “Countless clients with anxiety ask about a book that will teach their partners about anxiety and offer suggestions for how to help. At last, this is that book! With compassion and practicality, the author offers an understanding of how anxiety impacts a relationship, as well as excellent strategies for how to tackle anxiety and stay strong as a couple. This is a must-get book for anyone loving someone with anxiety.”

  —Annette R. Perot, PhD, licensed psychologist specializing in the treatment of anxiety disorders “A must-read for partners living with a love one experiencing any form of anxiety! Through both partners’ eyes, Thieda provides robust and engaging content on the common thought patterns, reactions, and behaviors creating anxiety, along with reflective questions, exercises, interpersonal tools, and strategies for supporting loved ones. She skillfully incorporates mindfulness strategies (including affirmation and self-care) as enhancing practices for living in the present moment, dissolving anxiety, and promoting inner calmness. Kate’s book is chock-full of helpful examples, insights, and resources for both partners!”

  —Judith C. Holder, PhD, director at Duke Occupational Mental Health Programs, leadership and life coach-consultant, and author of Mastering Life’s Adventures: On the Beam

  Publisher’s Note

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  Copyright © 2013 by Kate N. Thieda

  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  www.newharbinger.com

  Cover design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Edited by Jasmine Star

  All Rights Reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Thieda, Kate.

  Loving someone with anxiety : understanding and helping your partner / Kate Thieda, MS, LCPA.

  pages cm. -- (The New Harbinger loving someone series)

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-1-60882-611-7 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-612-4 (pdf e-book)-- ISBN 978-1-60882-613-1 (epub) 1. Anxiety. 2. Couples--Psychology. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

  BF575.A6T48 2013

  152.4’6--dc23

  2012047225

  Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter 1. Understanding Anxiety and How It’s Treated

  Chapter 2. How Anxiety Affects Relationships

  Chapter 3. Typical Responses to a Partner’s Anxiety

  Chapter 4. Communication Strategies That Can Help with Anxiety

  Chapter 5. Techniques for Reducing Anxiety and Promoting Relaxation

  Chapter 6. >Responding to Specific Types of Anxiety

  Chapter 7. Lifestyle Choices That Can Reduce Anxiety

  Chapter 8. Self-Care for the Caregiver

  Resources

  References

  Introduction

  Loving someone with anxiety can be both tiring and frustrating. It may seem as though no matter what you do or say, it’s never enough to help your partner relax and feel safe. You may find yourself living a lifestyle that you never intended because you’re accommodating your partner’s anxiety. Whether your partner has the kind of “everyday” anxiety that all humans experience or struggles with a diagnosable anxiety disorder, this book can help.

  Do any of the following situations sound familiar?

  Do you constantly reassure your partner that the worst-case scenario is not actually going to happen?

  Do you participate in rituals with your partner that seem strange or unnecessary, such as washing your hands a certain number of times a day, arranging items in the pantry or closet “just so,” counting objects or steps, or checking the door locks and windows numerous times before leaving the house or going to bed?

  Do you take on responsibilities that your partner once handled because she’s unable to leave the house or afraid something will happen if she does?

  Do you check areas where your partner will be ahead of time for feared objects, such as snakes or insects?

  Are your activities with your partner limited by a need to avoid elevators, heights, air travel, and so on, because of your partner’s fear?

  Do you feel helpless when your partner has a panic attack?

  Do you call your partner’s supervisor to make excuses about why he isn’t at work when the real reason is that he’s too anxious to go?

  Do you walk on eggshells so as not to trigger anxiety in your partner?

  Do you avoid intimacy because your partner has insecurities about her body?

  Do you wonder if your relationship can survive your partner’s anxiety?

  If you said yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. Anxiety is one of the most prevalent mental disorders in the United States. An estimated 18.1 percent of American adults experience the effects of anxiety disorders each year (Kessler et al. 2005). Based on the current population of the United States, that’s about forty-three million people. Even more people have anxiety that doesn’t meet the criteria for an official diagnosis but impacts their lives nevertheless. When you add in partners, family members, and friends whose lives are touched by the anxiety of those they love, the number of people whose quality of life is impaired by anxiety skyrockets. In addition, not everyone seeks professional treatment for anxiety, which can cause needless suffering for both them and their loved ones.

  This book is filled with practical explanations, examples, exercises, and advice that will allow you to help your partner with his anxiety and keep your relationship and your own sanity intact in the process. The emphasis is on working together as a couple to resolve issues in your relationship that may be fueling anxiety. However, I also recommend that you seek help from a trained mental health professional, as specialized treatment can be crucial for recovery, especially with certain anxiety disorders. In addition, anxiety often co-occurs with other mental health issues, including depression, substance abuse, and eating disorders, making professional treatment all the more important. Your support is an e
ssential part of your partner’s recovery from anxiety, and your knowledge and understanding of what’s happening for your partner may make recovery easier.

  How This Book Will Help

  In reading this book, you may be looking for ways to help your partner overcome her anxiety. You definitely will learn strategies and lifestyle changes that can reduce the negative effects of anxiety on your relationship, but this isn’t a step-by-step manual for “fixing” your partner. Instead, we’ll focus on ways you can work together as a couple to better understand what anxiety is, how it’s affecting your relationship, and what steps you can take to improve your lives.

  Chapter 1 explains the difference between “everyday” anxiety and the six anxiety disorders currently diagnosed by mental health professionals. It includes case examples that illustrate what each anxiety disorder looks like in real life and discusses the thoughts and behaviors that anxious people contend with on a daily basis. Chapter 1 wraps up with an explanation of medications and therapy approaches used to reduce or eliminate anxiety.

  The focus of chapter 2 is on how anxiety impacts romantic relationships, including effects on work and home responsibilities, socializing, sex, and parenting. While you may have realized that your partner’s anxiety has changed the shape of your relationship, taking time to assess the ways both of you have learned to accommodate the anxiety may be eye-opening. You and your partner may discover that your lives are controlled by anxiety, rather than you controlling it.

  Chapter 3 is specifically for you as the supportive partner of an anxious person. The writing exercises in this chapter invite you to explore your feelings around your partner’s anxiety. For many people, these feelings include frustration, anger, loneliness, sadness, guilt, and—yes—anxiety. Taking the time to focus on your reactions to your partner’s anxiety will help you identify opportunities for you and your partner to make changes. This chapter also introduces the idea of accommodation and how seemingly helpful behaviors can actually make an anxiety problem worse.

  Chapters 4, 5, and 6 dive in to the challenges of communication and strategies for coping with and reducing anxiety. All three chapters offer a lot of practical advice and many effective techniques. Communication is a tough topic for most couples, whether or not anxiety is an issue. Therefore, chapter 4 focuses on skills for effective communication and suggests ways to practice these techniques when communicating with your partner, whether to resolve an issue that’s come up between you or because you need to broach a difficult topic and don’t want to generate needless anxiety. Once you’ve learned these techniques, chapters 5 and 6 will help you and your partner decide how best to respond when anxiety is present.

  Chapter 7 explains some lifestyle changes that can help to decrease the impact of anxiety. You and your partner may not have given much thought to how certain foods and beverages, lack of exercise, technology, and media can increase your partner’s anxiety. The information you learn in this chapter will challenge you to take charge of your lifestyle and think and act differently.

  Finally, chapter 8, like chapter 3, is specifically for you. Being a caregiver is hard work, and you may feel as though you aren’t getting a lot of support. Therefore, this chapter discusses how you can take care of your mind and body so that you aren’t in danger of caregiver burnout.

  My hope is that once you have read this book you’ll feel knowledgeable about your partner’s experience with anxiety, and that you’ll also feel prepared to handle the variety of sticky situations that anxiety can create in your relationship. I also hope that it will help you be mindful of your own thoughts and feelings and support you in your own self-care. Your partner is lucky to have someone who cares enough about his or her well-being to commit to reading a book about anxiety. If the two of you work together as a team, you will notice positive changes in your lives and relationship.

  Chapter 1

  Understanding Anxiety and How It’s Treated

  Everyone has anxiety. Who hasn’t experienced a racing heart, sweaty palms, a jumpy stomach, shortness of breath, trouble sleeping, restlessness, or a mind that just won’t quiet down? Anxiety is a normal occurrence that alerts the brain and body that something isn’t right. It would actually be detrimental if we didn’t experience anxiety on occasion, because then we might not react appropriately to genuine threats to our safety or well-being.

  Even though everyone is subject to occasional anxiety, it can be difficult to watch a loved one struggle with excessive anxiety that clearly interferes with his enjoyment of life. You undoubtedly want the best for your partner, and seeing him be so affected by his worries can be wearing. Plus, it can be difficult to protect the relationship and your own quality of life from negative impacts due to your partner’s anxieties. This can lead to frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, and more. In addition, you may feel sympathy for your partner and overextend yourself in efforts to alleviate his anxiety. Perhaps you feel pressured to make everything “just right” but also feel as though you’ll never be able to stay one step ahead in preventing or even figuring out what might trigger anxiety for your partner. You may have known all along that your partner had a tendency to be anxious, but living with the effects of that anxiety every day takes a toll.

  By reading this book, you’re taking steps toward getting a better handle on what’s going on with your anxious partner and how you can improve your relationship so that anxiety isn’t the focus. No one wants a relationship where every decision is made on the basis of the other person’s anxiety. Anxiety puts a lot of limits on life. You and your partner deserve better.

  What Is Anxiety?

  While we don’t know exactly what causes anxiety, we do know that the capacity to feel anxious is biologically hardwired into us. Some people are more susceptible to feeling anxious than others, but as yet there isn’t a definitive biological explanation for this. In addition, how people react to anxiety is a combination of many factors, including genetics, life history, self-esteem, past exposure to stress and trauma, current medical and psychological conditions, and previous experience handling stress, to name just a few. As a result, anxiety is a highly subjective experience, meaning each person feels it uniquely. What may trigger only a mildly anxious feeling in one person can result in a full-blown panic attack in another.

  Anxiety is considered an emotion, and like most emotions, it can vary in intensity. At low levels, anxiety is adaptive, meaning that it drives positive outcomes, such as encouraging you to pay your bills on time or to work a few extra hours in order to meet a deadline. Higher anxiety levels, on the other hand, can set off a chain of events that can have significant negative physical and psychological effects. One thing that distinguishes adaptive, “everyday” anxiety from more problematic anxiety and diagnosable anxiety disorders is whether the anxiety resolves when the stressful situation is over or continues even in the absence of an imminent threat. I’ll discuss this distinction in detail later in this chapter. For now, let’s take a closer look at common anxiety symptoms and what those signs mean.

  Common Anxiety Symptoms

  Although the experience of anxiety is highly individualized, certain physical, behavioral, and emotional symptoms are common, as are certain thought patterns. As you read the following sections, think about whether you’ve observed any of these signs in your partner when he’s feeling anxious.

  Physical Signs of Anxiety

  Common physical symptoms of anxiety include a racing heart, excessive perspiration, trembling or shaking, feeling restless or keyed up, fatigue or problems sleeping, shortness of breath, chest pain or tightness, nausea or diarrhea, upset stomach or butterflies in the stomach, dizziness, chills or hot flushes, and numbness. Another physical sign is an exaggerated response when startled, like jumping a mile if someone says something to you from behind when you didn’t know anyone was there. It’s important to note that these symptoms are natural responses to normal anxiety and don’t necessarily mean someone has an anxiety disorder. Rath
er, the severity, duration, and effects of these symptoms are key factors in determining whether people are experiencing an anxiety disorder or just a typical response to anxiety.

  Behavioral Signs of Anxiety

  How your partner acts when he’s experiencing anxiety can offer a lot of clues about what’s going on for him internally. Some common behaviors of people who are anxious include avoiding places or events that trigger anxiety, such as bridges, elevators, or parties; fleeing situations that make them uncomfortable, such as a movie theater or crowded restaurant; performing compulsive behaviors repeatedly, such as washing their hands time and time again or checking the door locks a precise number of times before going to bed; limiting outside activities by not leaving home or only going to a few specific “safe” places; and engaging in risky, self-destructive behaviors, such as drinking or taking drugs. Ironically, even though your partner may feel as if these behaviors reduce his anxiety, they actually make it worse.

  Emotional Signs of Anxiety

  As mentioned, anxiety is an emotion, and it can evoke a lot of different feelings. Common words your partner might use when trying to describe his experience of anxiety are “worry,” “apprehension,” “fear,” “dread,” “uneasiness,” “distress,” “feeling overwhelmed,” “panic,” “pressure,” “terror,” “jumpiness,” “stress,” and “edginess.” Your partner may also say he can’t describe what he’s feeling or might simply say, “Something isn’t right.” These emotional responses to anxiety often arise due to thought patterns common among people with anxiety, so let’s take a look at those.

  Common Thoughts That Signal Anxiety

  The thoughts people experience when feeling anxious are commonly referred to as “worry” (Bourne 2005). Everyone worries sometimes, but people who are experiencing persistent anxiety have more worry thoughts than typical and struggle to think of other things. Here are some common worry thoughts: